Feedback is a gift: the great lie that every leader repeats
Giving feedback is not a gift. And whoever says it often does not realize everything that conversation really moves.
Giving feedback isn't a gift. And whoever says it is often doesn't realize everything that conversation actually stirs up.
The real deal:
Nobody likes being corrected, judged, or exposed — not the person receiving it, not the person giving it. Even with good intentions, feedback touches insecurities, activates wounds, and shakes up the image each person has of themselves at work.
But in companies we keep repeating that "you have to be professional." As if that meant acting like nothing affects us. As if working were something completely "objective" and "emotionless."
Spoiler: it's not like that.
As Christophe Dejours and Pichon-Rivière put it, work is deeply subjective. Every deliverable reflects a relationship. Every failure says something about the context. It's not just the person's "fault."
That's why giving feedback isn't about technique. It's about listening, humility, and shared responsibility.
Look at the context, not just the behavior
Often someone's mistake isn't just "laziness" or "lack of commitment." It could be that:
- •the environment is killing autonomy,
- •leadership isn't clear,
- •the team is in constant tension.
Before pointing fingers, ask yourself: what is this behavior saying about what's going on around it?
Watch out for the roles that keep repeating
In every team, people fall into roles without meaning to:
The one who is always late
The one who never complains
The one who "always saves the day"
If you're not paying attention, you can end up giving feedback to the character, not the person. And reinforcing labels that box people in instead of helping them.
Feedback touches on emotions (no matter what)
Saying "it's just work" means you don't understand a thing.
- •Work is part of our identity.
- •Being seen and recognized is a need.
- •And even the most well-meaning criticism can hurt.
So don't pretend it's a neutral conversation. Better to start like this:
I know this conversation can make you uncomfortable. It's not easy for me either. But I think if we do it right, it can help both of us.
Don't drop it with a to-do list — build a plan together
Avoid the classic: "I already told you what's missing, now it's on you."
If there was a failure, the system also failed. And you, as the leader, are part of that. What can you do to help that person change?
- •Be closer?
- •Review deadlines?
- •Give more clarity or tools?
- •Listen more instead of just measuring?
Real change isn't imposed, it's built together.
Show up with presence — and recognize that every person is different
Not everyone reacts the same way. What works for one person can break another. Also, a person doesn't behave the same way with everyone. The relationship you have with that team member is unique.
That's why following up isn't just checking whether they did what was asked. It's seeing how they're experiencing it, what they need, what they're understanding.
Three things you can avoid:
Comparing to others.
Using the same mold for everyone.
Assuming you already know how they feel.
Show up with respect. Really listen. Adjust whatever needs adjusting. That's what leading is.
At the end of the day, feedback isn't a technique. It's a relationship.
And if you lead, you have to understand that there is no such thing as being "emotionally neutral" at work.
Pretending everything is technical only covers up what really matters — and what could actually transform things.
Feedback isn't a gift. It's a process.
And like any human process, it needs: listening, connection, boundaries… and courage.
